My Story


It'd be most comforting to know if you would kindly understand that the story I'm about to spill is the most disturbingly difficult story I've written. The urge of sweeping my past concerning eating disorder under the carpet had been astonishingly overwhelming that it had taken me two years to finally summon courage to share my story publicly.

But I'm tired of the demon lurking within me that wants to hold on to the dark tunnel that leads to nowhere. Now I'm ready - ready to let go, ready to open up, ready to find my life. To tell you the truth I hesitated to call this my story, because it's more than just a bitter story, it is my life.

So let me shoot straight to the point: I'm currently battling emotional eating

A brief picture of what emotional eating is it is the practice of consuming large quantities of food, usually comfort or junk food, in response to feelings instead of hunger. As a result, we often turn to food to heal emotional problems which leads to unwanted weight gain.

At first I couldn't fathom why my body was rebelling against me, after countless episodes of binge-eating, I'd be trapped into a starve-binge cycle all over again, then slowly I came to understand the reason behind it. Because after a long period of restriction, self-starvation and deprivation, my stomach refuses to trust me completely that I'd consistently feed it- that I'd even feed it, to say the least. 
But as time passed I knew it was more than just my body trying to compensate of what I foolishly made it endure before. The shocking and saddening truth behind the emotional eater I am, is because I'm depressed most of the time.

I may appear optimistic and lively on the outside, but deep down I'm lonely. With all that I've around me right now, I know I should be contented and I was told people would be exhilarated to be in my position. 

I couldn't figure out why- though I'm aware that I've an unusually low self-esteem.

It was only recently that I broke into tears in front of my mum and my brother, Sean, weeping my eyes out stressing on how pathetic I was as well as distressed and intimidated of the thought of unfolding a new chapter of my life. I was apprehensive that I would be withdrawn, rejected- that I wouldn't make any friends in college, that I'd be that girl without a friend to call her best friend all over again like what had happen in high school. I wept harder. 

I didn't think Sean was listening until he tenaciously assured me that if I was willing to open my heart, to be the real me in front of my friends, to not be afraid to let them know about my imperfections and flaws and weaknesses (which I have too many to point out), to accept and adjust to my new life with courage and faith, I would be able to live college life and the rest of my life to the fullest, as well as obtain true happiness and health.

I was moved by the advice, encouragement and support my brother had showered upon me. 


I'm profusely grateful for leaps and bounds forward into recovery. I'm still on the road to recovery. It is a bumpy, unpaved, rugged journey, but I'm confident that as I continuously nourish and treat my body with proper care and respect, address my negative behaviours and replace them with positive thoughts and actions, then, and only then, will I gradually and steadily find my healthy tipping point, and come to fully, truly love myself.



After all, as ironic as it may sound, I've always been a firm believer that happiness is a choice.

4 comments:

  1. Oh dear please take care of yourself. Everyone has flaws, you need not worry bout yours. You're a wonderful girl, always strong on the outside but soft inside. A very tough girl since the day i met you in 2003. I've never doubted bout your ability before - in everything. You always work very hard for everything you want. But give yourself a break ! you deserve it. Pls rest well and tell yourself you're wonderful, just go through every medals, trophies and certs you've received since young, then you will know how great you are :)

    Be happy and enjoy college ! Lovesss :)

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    1. Yee Pei, thank you so, so much. You seem to understand me so well despite losing touch for so many years! I'll always remember your comment as a reminder to be gentle to myself.

      Thanks again, I can't wait to see you in college after your NS! :D

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  2. Hello Wei Jun! I don't know why you have low self-esteem when you have so many things about yourself to feel proud of. Really. :)

    Loves!

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    1. Your comment just made me smile.

      I love you. You must know that.

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