Thursday, 4 February 2016

Private or Public?

I struggle with the idea of keeping my blog private or public. 

This is a place where I've been typing my heart out whether I'm happy, sad, dejected, or plain ol' bored. The visual image of someone peering- I mean, reading openly about my stories, my family, my loved ones, my friends, my LIFE (as if I have one hahahaha I assure you I do!), does make me feel uncomfortable where I'd squirm, wondering if someone's judging my habit of taking pictures of my food, my style of writing, my choice of outfit, my daily activities, or plotting a revenge plan against a person whom I care for (<-- you see, I really need to cut down on CSI).

I cannot proudly declare I'm unfazed nor perturbed about the possible gossips and ill comments about myself, even while recognising that it is inevitable and these things come in a package so long as I put myself out there.

I can't be sure if I have readers, but by the count of my page views it's impossible to deny the existence. Maybe you're a loyal reader, or a close friend of mine, you could be a 'hi-bye' kind of acquaintance, perhaps even a random person blog hopping and happened to stumble upon this space of mine in the blogging world... Point is, I haven't the foggiest idea who my audience is, and it makes me feel worried for the safety and privacy of people whom I haven't exactly obtained permission to talk about or post pictures of on the internet. 

Let's part away from the idealistic perception that privacy is still alive with the available settings to accept/ reject friend requests, block/ unblock followers, because it is after all, the internet. 

My blog is my baby. I've been writing since the tender age of 13 when the blogging hype took over. I thought like any other social networking sites, my excitement about it will eventually fade and be gone with the wind, no where to be found or retrieved. But heck, I discovered my passion in writing, no matter how dull my writing manner is, or how I'm just producing grandmother stories (<-- which I must say, they can sometimes be captivating and very, very inspiring okay!), I find consolation and comfort and a thick, blanketing sense of solace in pouring my heart and emotions into this corner.

I find peace, I find the calm amidst the storm. And I feel safe. 

Recapping events on my blog is something I genuinely enjoy doing as well. I like to scroll through the old entries, let the memories resurface, and be reminded of the fun, carefree, embarrassing, crazy, wild things I've done with my family and friends. It's always pleasant to revisit the good days, even if my Dad constantly reminds me not to dwell in the past, my stubborn self clings fiercely to the precious, sweet memories, drunk on the idea that my past happiness can heal the present brokenness. 

But writing, is, my coping mechanism. My therapy. My way of restoring normalcy amidst the frenzied schedule, my way of preserving sanity when met with a soul-crushing affair.  

I don't nearly write as much on paper as I do on the internet, for simple reasons because hello- less tiring fingers! And auto-correct and the online dictionary doesn't hurt, too! It's well established at this point that I am adamant about continuing to write, but keeping it public has been my way of connecting with (silent) readers who may share the common pool of interests as I do. Blog posts on my meals at the deck or trips to Penang could even just be an entertaining read to kill boredom, or an amusing way to live someone else's life vicariously. 

Perhaps you resonate in the way that we share similar sets of problems and troubles in life, and I am aware just how alleviating and securing one can feel to know you're not alone, and someone out there is battling, and has won the battle. It gives us faith and confidence, although we have to be careful not to fall into the trap of comparison. 

I do have the tendency to post filtered (but not heavily filtered I promise- perhaps just a more enhanced colour on the overall picture but nothing else), happier, brighter, cheerier pictures of myself, or write about my proud, fruitful accomplishments, but my life is nothing short of my daily wrestles with my studies, horrible knee injury, financial support, the future, deranged relationships, rocky friendships, depression, stooping low self-esteem, negative thoughts, haywire body image... 

I minimise the masking of my feelings from you, from the blog, I just make it a point to write more about something that draws a smile on my face, something that lifts my mood, something that enables me to radiate joy and kindness to others. I wear my heart on my sleeves, am incredibly emotional, and my mood changes so drastically it's impossible even for myself to keep up with. Sinking into misery and melancholy is especially easy for me, and wallowing in self pity or mangling with my self-worth can get extremely bitter and painfully triggering to some people, should I fold my arms and do nothing to prevent my writing from mirroring my mood, or being reflected in my posts. If anything, I hope my vulnerable self and sloppy writing can contribute in shining light in the darkness, injecting hope into your world, even if it makes just that tiny, seemingly insignificant difference in your life. 

And that's why I've decided to keep it public, so that among the many stories and tales I share, may it never miss a single opportunity to touch your heart, your life. 

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