Saturday, 22 August 2015

You think you know pain

i felt sure that i was going to die.

that my heart has just been ripped apart violently.

it is now summer- hot and sunny, but inside my heart it feels ridiculously wintry and chilly.

this must be what anguish feels like.

long, seemingly endless stretch of despair chokes me furiously.

i need peace and quiet.

it has been a few days, yet it seemed like a lifetime.

for the moment at least, i feel as though my life is over.

everything was too much now, sometimes even breathing, and especially talking.

i just want to retreat to my bedroom night after night, and lay on the bed in the dark.

i would spend hours in bed in the day and night rolling the film of my life backward in my head, trying to sort it out, trying to remember what it had really been like, savouring the good times, and trying to fast forward past the bad.

i look back at how much i'd been through, and what i had lost. is this going to be the significant scar that will pain my life forever? not that it would matter i figure, i'm already wounded and broken.

there was no escaping the truth. there was no hiding from it. reality is just too awful. i'm left feeling drained and exhausted.

pieces of the puzzle don't seem to fit. the gaping hole in my heart keeps enlarging uncontrollably, it's like my heart, like a piece of raw meat has been placed on the burning stove, i shout and shout, and finally collapse from the agony.

as though all this has been a dream, and the suffering has been a bad joke. except i think of it and still feel my knees jelly and my stomach tied in many knots- sometimes downright upside down.

i feel myself slipping backwards, and it's killing me.

no amount of exercise or talking would change that. they only postponed the inevitable misery.

nothing could seem to dim the loneliness of the mornings, or the torture of the nights.

maybe we just aren't meant to be. maybe i'm only meant to live a difficult, difficult 20 years of age.

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