Saturday, 29 August 2015

A Father's Love.

I am going to make this quick, because I am in the midst of preparing for trials, but I also really want to do this so yeah. 

These few weeks have been unbearably tough for me. Preparing for the trials and ultimately the finals, my dad has to witness my frequent nervous collapses and I know it hasn't been easy for him, nor mum. 

But you know how it goes... when the emotions finally pile up and then anxiety comes hitting you like a ton of bricks, you... cry. At least that was what happened to me several times in class. I literally wept in class once- when the pressure was too much for me to handle- and that breakdown drew the attention of the class (there was no way getting about it because there was only 10 in the class that time and trust me I tried hard to blink my tears away but it just kept rolling down my cheeks) and my classmates sweetly comforted me- which I am thankful and of course that calmed me down- but only temporarily.

My dad seldom expresses his feelings and thoughts verbally, he conveys them better in the form of a letter, or a message. Well, generally in a written form. And because I'm getting older, it gets slightly awkward for physical contacts with Daddy. I guess it's difficult for Daddy to absorb all of these at once. Me outgrowing the teenager phase, soon to study abroad, and leave home and not coming back to seeing his little girl (although not so little anymore!) at home... I can safely say that I'm not the only who has to embrace the change, so does Dad (and mum). 

I love you, Dad.

Saturday, 22 August 2015

You think you know pain

i felt sure that i was going to die.

that my heart has just been ripped apart violently.

it is now summer- hot and sunny, but inside my heart it feels ridiculously wintry and chilly.

this must be what anguish feels like.

long, seemingly endless stretch of despair chokes me furiously.

i need peace and quiet.

it has been a few days, yet it seemed like a lifetime.

for the moment at least, i feel as though my life is over.

everything was too much now, sometimes even breathing, and especially talking.

i just want to retreat to my bedroom night after night, and lay on the bed in the dark.

i would spend hours in bed in the day and night rolling the film of my life backward in my head, trying to sort it out, trying to remember what it had really been like, savouring the good times, and trying to fast forward past the bad.

i look back at how much i'd been through, and what i had lost. is this going to be the significant scar that will pain my life forever? not that it would matter i figure, i'm already wounded and broken.

there was no escaping the truth. there was no hiding from it. reality is just too awful. i'm left feeling drained and exhausted.

pieces of the puzzle don't seem to fit. the gaping hole in my heart keeps enlarging uncontrollably, it's like my heart, like a piece of raw meat has been placed on the burning stove, i shout and shout, and finally collapse from the agony.

as though all this has been a dream, and the suffering has been a bad joke. except i think of it and still feel my knees jelly and my stomach tied in many knots- sometimes downright upside down.

i feel myself slipping backwards, and it's killing me.

no amount of exercise or talking would change that. they only postponed the inevitable misery.

nothing could seem to dim the loneliness of the mornings, or the torture of the nights.

maybe we just aren't meant to be. maybe i'm only meant to live a difficult, difficult 20 years of age.

Tuesday, 18 August 2015

Summer ponders.

1) Can you feel the heat today? 

I sure can.

Nevertheless, I'm on team Malaysia's weather against UK's weather. I am born and bred in Malaysia, and I don't shy away from admitting how our weather is hot. Rain may shower- sometimes pour like cats and dogs, but it's still unlike the UK's single digit temperature. 

Wake me up when Winter ends...

I am fully aware the haze here has been disturbing too, but at least I'm warm. 

I remember how I used to cycle through this path everyday to the law school from the West Entrance, and you wouldn't imagine my ecstasy when I witnessed these bald trees and frosted grass (albeit a charming image the weather was sorely frigid and cruelly bleak)...

... nonchalantly yet gorgeously turned into this...

... and finally Spring welcomed us with greener than ever grass and blossoming flowers...

Oh, I have waited for the warmth for way too long.

It makes me sad to say Summer in the UK is unseasonably cold- nothing like the sweltering heat in Malaysia.

Whenever anyone asks me "So how are you adapting to the UK?", I would tell them plain and straight: "My body cannot adapt to the weather", it's evident by my catching a flu thrice in one semester- a heck  of a record I have no intentions on breaking.

But I still must give Spring the credits she deserves...

Till then the UK is a whole new post by itself.

All of this does not negate how extraordinarily grateful I am for the opportunity to study abroad- a golden opportunity given by my parents who work remarkably hard it's impossible to dismiss their effort not even by a single inch. I love them greatly, and I am profusely thankful to be their daughter.

2) I have been considering to use another platform to spill my emotions.

Not necessarily on a social networking site, instead, off the internet- I have yet to determine how it will go.

3) Summer, albeit dashing past my nose like a speed ball, had been fruitfully happening.

I'm feeling debilitated. 

I'm too drained and too flustered to put into words how I've been feeling lately.

I don't think I've ever came across a stage in my life that I've felt so confused, excited and overwrought all at the same time.

4) It's insane to think of how far I've come, and at the same time how long more the journey I'll have to embark.

All the trips and outings I had wanted to blog so badly... but it's tough to not have my tears swell every 10 seconds when I'm trying to recap each story. 

The memories are overwhelming. I'm starting to feel- indomitably and vigorously- the continuing learning process and involuntary adaptation there are to a new transition in every aspect of my life- academics, curricular, social, relationships and so forth- which I am forced to face shortly.

5) If you know me well, then you know I am an insanely emotional person. 

I wear my heart on my sleeves and am possibly the most expressive person you know.

Like a rolling snow ball, my emotions roll bigger with every second passing by. I definitely need to remind myself constantly to stay calm and keep my composure to complete the things on my to-do list. 

6) Every now and then, I scroll my blog posts to revisit the memories. 

There are those jubilant happenings, which on the mere thought  carve a mirthful smile on my face; then there are those languishing occasions when cross my mind plant a deep frown on my somber face.

There was a draft which caught my eyes, the original title named: 11 random quirks about myself.

It was drafted close to two years ago. And I want to go through the draft again, to see if the quirks have changed as I grow older.

A post from 2013: 10 random quirks about myself. Bold words are speaking from my current status in 2015.

1. I cannot stand long fingernails. Short and neat, always. :)

Yup, obsession with short nails still going strong.

2. I am afraid of heights.

Hence why I haven't tried the popular Skytrex until this day... Partly because all my friends refuse to go for any other levels besides extreme. "Challenge your fears", they say! How can I rebut? I have such inspiring friends.

3. Public speaking is my passion.

It remains my passion since 7 years old and I've never looked back, although I don't exactly have many platforms to exercise my passion now, I sure hope to rekindle this passion in my future career.

4. I've said I'd never rare a pet, but now I'm beginning to give dogs a thought.

Me? A sensible pet owner? Ha ha, did I write this when I was drunk or because I happened to come across adorable pictures of puppies? Well, it must be the latter 'cause I don't drink. 

5. Movies with happy ending is the way to my heart.

YES. Simple and sweet, like a bowl of homemade Bubur Cha-Cha. 

Sure there is a lack of balance of colours or an immaculate presentation, but it is impressively healthier than the common street-food ones you eat, instead of coconut milk, this featured a medley of sweet potatoes, purple sweet potatoes, yam and green beans cooked low-heat in a brown sugar stew. In fact I adore the colour!

OR a movie as simple and sweet like these yummy not-so-'ang'-Ang Ku Kuih.

Seriously how mini can these get?!

Homemade kuih given by Eik Ren's mum- thank you Aunty Kim Geok!

Dad dug in the homemade kuih feeling guiltless (Aunty Kim Geok is known to be health conscious)- his first treat in days as he has been ill.

Ken loved them so much (we acknowledge he's easily contented- which is a blessing) I limited to myself to one kuih and gave them the rest.

Yeah, I got from talking about movies with happy endings to traditional desserts. Life as a glutton... 

6. I am unhealthily obsessed with my phone.

I may boldly declare the obsession has faded tolerably since I dropped the data and deleted both the apps- Instagram and Twitter. Would quit Facebook as well but I need it for important updates and the occasional nosiness (read: poking my nose into others' business). 

7. I reaaaallly like to eat. In large quantities.

Ha ha, surprise surprise.

Mum's cooking has been remarkable to the core it's getting a whole section on its own. Don't judge, I initially planned for an entire post for food.

Yes guys, it's back to unexciting pictures of home-cooked food. 

Of which none I take for granted, I must point out, as the food prepared has been jovially scrumptious and fuels my soul to the fullest. 

Wanton noodles (minus the wantons and replaced with fried cubed tofu instead).

Char Kuey Teow aka flat rice noodles. 

Mum's Vermicelli Soup is terrific! 

It's just not the same when someone else makes it, Mum's cooking always gets me downing two large bowls, satisfied with the slurps of soup that found its way into my stomach. Anyone feels the same about Mum's cooking? Can't stop, won't stop? Hehe. 


Packed with everything healthy and fresh! Mum's fabulous creation. Love her.

Cucumber rolls and seaweed rolls. With egg and rice and sesame and carrots inside.

It was crispy and light and fantastic. 

8. Exercising makes a much, much better me.

Indeed, and I believe this applies to everyone.

Some of my favourite exercises are:

  • Swimming:

Speaking of which, some of my friends whom I've known from college and I went swimming at The Glades last Saturday. It was amazeballs (<-- Who am I trying to trick, I don't talk like that). 

It was a fantastic experience and I enjoyed myself tremendously. 

Stunning pool. 

Exquisite scenery.

Enchanting view.

How adorable are my friends? 

Yu En looking so effortlessly graceful even when tying her hair, Piong and her delightful grin.

Can I live here? It's like a paradise!

Big big thank you to Yu En for bringing us here. 
You and your family have been such accommodating hosts to both Yong Qi and myself. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Looking forward to out next outing already. 

9. I am terribly injury-prone.

Refer to my hiking post.

10. I enjoy making cards for the people I love.

Sure do! Although the last one I did, I had to wake up sneakily at 2 a.m. to complete it. Next time I recommend starting on the card early! Ha ha. 

I suppose I haven't changed too extensively, given a two out of ten?