Monday, 28 April 2014

Now or never.

Mum's phone hasn't stopped ringing continuously for hours. She is on her phone for way too long. It has been on going for weeks. She hardly has time to sit down for a proper meal let alone talk to me. She is my best listener and my strongest pillar of support. At this period where I truly need encouragement, yet she is undeniably busy and obviously shedding weight due to stress and as mentioned lack of time to consume food, I can't expect her to shower me with concern and care like she used to. But on top of all these, I am awfully worried of her. 

I know whenever I approach her if everything is okay she puts on the sweetest smile she can and assures me things are fine. But I know that look. That tensed expression hardly fades from her face. I cannot help but wish that I could perform better in any way possible that could ease my mum's burden of having to find ways to allow her three children to study overseas. I am aware that the fees are terrifyingly expensive. But my mum never let it disturb me. She coaxes me to concentrate on my studies whole-heartedly and not to be anxious over any other factors. 

I really want to do something for her. Something to see her flash her beautiful smile that warms my heart instantly. Something to make her laugh in a way that brights up her day. 

But I know that at this moment the best way to let her focus on her work is to stay as healthy and positive that I can, and work towards achieving the results so that I can enter my dream university, and that she could share my happiness when it actually comes true. 

I am working on it, but often anxiety gets the better of me and I find myself on the verge of breaking down. I am trying to manage stress and not let it affect my revision since this examination is absolutely crucial and arguably fateful.

I remind myself to take deep breaths whenever I feel like I'm going out of my mind, and usually it works but most of the time it's being able to solve the questions that really makes me feel secured. Although taking walks also help clear my mind for the time being. And now I'm turning to my blog, because I believe expressing my emotions here serves as a great therapy. 

I hope to make through this, smoothly and confidently. I'm not giving up. Because I know this battle is worth the fight. Just sometimes... Sometimes I wish that there are natural pills to take to calm myself down when it's all too much to handle at once. 

Good night world. I hope you're doing well, if you're reading this. And may you and I, both power through the challenges and hurdles in life. 

2 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing your emotions, lovely! A parent's love is truly so sacrificial, and I can totally relate to that feeling of not being able to do much for our parents...bc even now that I'm married I feel like that towards my own. I wish I could have tons of money to help them live a comfortable life even if I didn't, but I unfortunately don't. However, I'm also realizing as a new mom myself that our children don't have to perform perfectly even if we sacrificed our all for them, because seeing Selah joyful and enjoying her journey would bring me a greater smile to my face. Sure, it would be awesome to see her succeed in academics and the things this world deems as success, but seeing her character and joy grow is far more exciting. I hope everything goes well for you guys, indeed, you can do this! But I also hope you take this journey with a positive and hopeful attitude because one day you'll look at it and see what a blessing you already are to your momma! Hope this makes sense. :)

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  2. I love this! Thank you so much for sharing with me a parent's point of view. It makes incredible sense and while I'm fairly aware of it sometimes I couldn't help but worry. But worrying doesn't help and I am simply thankful for your comment, sister Ellie. Selah is indeed blessed to have you as her mother. :) I appreciate it and wish you and your beautiful family a happy life. :)

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