Monday, 28 April 2014

Now or never.

Mum's phone hasn't stopped ringing continuously for hours. She is on her phone for way too long. It has been on going for weeks. She hardly has time to sit down for a proper meal let alone talk to me. She is my best listener and my strongest pillar of support. At this period where I truly need encouragement, yet she is undeniably busy and obviously shedding weight due to stress and as mentioned lack of time to consume food, I can't expect her to shower me with concern and care like she used to. But on top of all these, I am awfully worried of her. 

I know whenever I approach her if everything is okay she puts on the sweetest smile she can and assures me things are fine. But I know that look. That tensed expression hardly fades from her face. I cannot help but wish that I could perform better in any way possible that could ease my mum's burden of having to find ways to allow her three children to study overseas. I am aware that the fees are terrifyingly expensive. But my mum never let it disturb me. She coaxes me to concentrate on my studies whole-heartedly and not to be anxious over any other factors. 

I really want to do something for her. Something to see her flash her beautiful smile that warms my heart instantly. Something to make her laugh in a way that brights up her day. 

But I know that at this moment the best way to let her focus on her work is to stay as healthy and positive that I can, and work towards achieving the results so that I can enter my dream university, and that she could share my happiness when it actually comes true. 

I am working on it, but often anxiety gets the better of me and I find myself on the verge of breaking down. I am trying to manage stress and not let it affect my revision since this examination is absolutely crucial and arguably fateful.

I remind myself to take deep breaths whenever I feel like I'm going out of my mind, and usually it works but most of the time it's being able to solve the questions that really makes me feel secured. Although taking walks also help clear my mind for the time being. And now I'm turning to my blog, because I believe expressing my emotions here serves as a great therapy. 

I hope to make through this, smoothly and confidently. I'm not giving up. Because I know this battle is worth the fight. Just sometimes... Sometimes I wish that there are natural pills to take to calm myself down when it's all too much to handle at once. 

Good night world. I hope you're doing well, if you're reading this. And may you and I, both power through the challenges and hurdles in life.