Tuesday, 10 June 2014

Fear (republished as last attempt failed).

I was looking back at my posts and discovered this one written a year ago or so, but was saved as a draft that moment. There's this incredible and exclusive and ineffable feeling flooding me as I read this post all over again. My solicitude and emotions a year ago VS my views and outlook one year later. So different, so special.

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My brother is returning to the UK this Friday. I don't know what to feel. I feel the emptiness already even before he is gone. I fear the goodbye. I hope the worst is behind me. I want to believe I'm strong. But sometimes being strong doesn't mean not shedding tears during separation. Sometimes being strong doesn't mean not feeling a thing during separation. Sometimes being strong doesn't mean convincing oneself that separation means nothing. It means everything. I just have to be strong enough to know that life goes on and I will do my very best to make the most out if the rest of my life while my brother is in the UK.

Besides, a year from now, the two of us will reunite again. But honestly, knowing that doesn't assure me or lightens my sorrow. It pains my heart even more. I want to pause time. I wish the flight gets seriously delayed. I just... I can't. I can't. I can't.

For the first time in weeks, I can't sleep. I may be laying up all night thinking about the completely precious moments I got to spend with him, and try not to think about how hard it will be waving goodbye to him at the airport.

I imagine this separation a hundred degrees tougher for mum to take it, but I know she can do it. Mum says her world is daddy and us three children, but I love that she always gets back into her groove despite keeping all of us in her thoughts.

She strengthens herself and in turn console and encourage me instead. Daddy, as much as he seems to be calm and steady on the outside, goodness knows just how much he has enjoyed brother's company over the past 3 months we got to spend with him. So, so lovely. So, so marvellous. So, so hard to forget.

I suppose it will be as tough as it is for mum and I to dad, except he has his magical way of transferring his thoughts into his work, and focus hard on continuously providing the best he could for his family.

Well, I admit I need constant assurance and guidance from my family members, and I am learning to be independent, to live the life I am proud of, to believe in myself and to work towards creating a beautiful future.

I know my brothers, one soon to fly to the UK and the other in Singapore, like me, all bear high hopes and wonderful dreams about our futures. I am praying for all of us, that despite the distance, we are as close knitted as before, our bonds get tighter over the years, and before we know it, it's our family's gathering once again.

"Jun, you're stronger than this, remember? Kor got your back, now prove to me that you're capable of achieving more than that. Make me proud, Jun."

"Jie, always remember to work hard. Academics is what matters most now to me. It should be the same to you too. Just tell yourself that it's going to be worth it, and keep going."

I have the best brothers in the whole universe. Goodnight, world. Goodnight.


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Reading this actually made me smile because hey, look at me now, a year after I had written my concerns about the leaving of my brother Ken to the UK, I'm actually doing pretty darn fine! I turned my can't's into can's, and I am now a step closer to my dreams, my maturity a greater level, my relationships with my family and friends and boyfriend ( Red heart  ) strengthened, and I'm more positive and courageous and eager to step out of my Comfort Zone and live life with a positive thinking and right attitude. This goes to remind everyone that the (negative) feeling and emotions are sometimes only temporary, you will get over it because after all, we all got to move on in life. Choose forward. Choose living in the present.Choose freeing yourself of negativity.

I'm really glad that I already have Sean by my side now, and Ken coming home very soon! My parents are definitely more excited and looking forward profusely to their sons back into their arms, and I'm just happy that the Khor Family is going to reunite once again! Family is everything. Smile

Just done with breakfast with the parents and Sean, and Dad was in high spirits so he suggested we have lunch together later- YAY! First dining out experience in goodness-knows-how-long due to my finals. :P Going to resume helping Dad sort out his income tax matter. Smile with tongue out

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