Wednesday, 19 June 2013

I have some confessions to make.

I really am not at my happiest state.

I am struggling to find my healthy tipping point.

My emotions are constantly on a roller coaster ride.

My body is at its worse state (highest weight, not fit).

My stomach is bloated from all the crap I put into my mouth.

My clothes cannot fit anymore and I am ashamed to look at myself in the mirror.

My fitness has been subpar and I can no longer run because my knees are bearing too much weight.

Yoga has been particularly difficult because when it comes to bending and twisting poses I can no longer do so with ease and shrugging the embarrassment off with an awkward smile doesn't help.

I cannot lift my head up when I walk past my high school friends because I'm afraid of what they might say to me when they witness my current state.

I hate socialising and outings because I just don't feel me anymore.

Everything in life that used to appeal to me: shopping, exercising, dining out, hanging out with friends, taking pictures - I can no longer want to do all of it because I can't even look at myself in the mirror without feeling disgusted at myself.

I lost the confidence I once had.

I am terribly depressed and upset with life.

I keep telling myself that tomorrow is a brand new day to start everything all over again but somehow manages to find excuse for myself the next day.

I don't think about boys and relationships anymore because I know no one can love me because of how much I hate myself.

The only people who I can confide in is my mother, who, doesn't know what to do to help me anymore.

I want to step out of the house and seek help but I don't know how to.

My brothers tell me I need to stop laying around at house and go out there and mix with my friends - no matter how uneasy or uncomfortable that may make me feel.

I'm no longer obsessed about my body weight because, pooh, there's nothing to be obsessed over about.

I'm terrified when it comes to taking pictures because I can't recognise myself in the pictures anymore.

I'm so afraid of what my future will turn out to be.

I'm going crazy.

I sometimes stop and think: "What has became of me? The girl who was once so athletic, cheerful, outgoing, exuberant, confident and active... where has all of that characteristics gone?"

I don't know what to think anymore.

My happiness seemed to have took a ride and forgotten its way home.

I ... need a time out.

1 comment:

  1. Jun my dearest, I appreciate and commend you for your openness with us regarding your issues. I'm so sorry you've been feeling that way. I know far to well how it feels to hate myself and not see myself through loving eyes~I hope you remember that what you do and don't do doesn't define your beauty and your identity. Hah--of course, that is always easier said than done. But I truly hope and pray that God will show you your self worth because He loves you so much, and if it gives you any reassurance at all--your sweet heart and love that you always express towards those around you makes you that much more beautiful! You always brighten my day with your amazing personality and cute self. I kind of wish I had a little sister just like you. :)