Monday, 7 January 2013

What does New Year really means

As I was awaken from my sound sleep by the fireworks during what had to be midnight, I sat up straight and peered through my windows. It was not the fireworks that I had hoped to catch a glimpse of, but the dark sky that called to a part of me that has always been drawn towards gloom.
I looked up at the sky. It looked sad. And very lonely. The moon hid behind the clouds. The twinkling stars fought to be seen among the murk. I sighed deeply, curled under the blankets, buried my head into the pillow, and gingerly closed my eyes, hoping for a dream - since I couldn't be lost in the darkness, the mystery or the silence, I thought at least I could be lost in a dream forever. 

Melancholy has been solidly gripping onto me - uncertain why I'm always the victim of despondency, and I stubbornly refuse to think the key to happiness lies in my attitude. 

You see, upon welcoming the New Year, New Years posts are supposed to be auspicious, a light of positivism looking into the immeasurable possibilities of the future; or taking a trip down the memory lane, reminiscing the fruitful moments of the past. But I can't lie. 
It's no secret that I've not been fond of 2012, and I struggle to greet 2013 fresh with an effulgent face and a light heart. 
Everyday I've been struggling. Struggling to meet the morning. Struggling to leave the security and safety of my home. Struggling to fight everyday to get out of my own. Struggling to understand life. Struggling to keep my voice down as I cry so no one could hear me weeping. Struggling to be heard. Struggling to find myself. 

You know what people say? That there's no rainbow without rain? That what doesn't kills you makes you stronger? That we should count our blessings instead of problems?
Well, I'm tired.

I'm tired of everything.

I'm tired of trying.

I'm tired of pretending.

I'm tired of hoping.

I'm tired. So, so tired.

I wish sleeping would cure, because they say sleep can be magical.

Unfortunately, I don't believe in magic either. 

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