Tuesday, 31 December 2013

Rise and shine, it's 2014!



As opposed to at least half the citizens globally (just a wild guess), I'm not big on making New Year resolutions, but I love making a list of things-to-do (don't pretend you don't add take a shower or eat your breakfast in it just so you can have something to cross off later- okay, okay, you don't, it's just me) so on the first day of 2014, I'm making a list of 20 things to start doing in the new year.

1. Get moving (and sweating). Climbing the stairs, helping with the groceries, gardening, just move. It boosts your energy level, and relieves stress. 

 
 


















 












2. Eat anything you like- in moderation. 

 

 

 
3. Laugh. A lot.

4. Make time for more zzz's.

5. Resume (or start) attending yoga classes. I'm afraid I've lost so much flexibility, but I still make it a point to stretch and bend a little whenever I remember.

6. Read more books. You can never read too much. Or can you? ;) 

 

 

7. Admire others, but don't put yourself down. Every individual is unique. We all have traits or talents that people would love to own, as well as flaws and weaknesses we wish to overcome. You sparkle in your own way. 

8. Brush up my English!

9. Maintain close relationships with people who matter and whom I care. A healthy relationship, whether it's romantic, brotherly, or friendly, is when each person is allowed room to grow, and still loved. 



 

 
  






























Some of my favourite classmates in college. Incredibly lovely girls, aren't they?
 































Not forgetting my favourite boys in the whole wide world.

10. Offer help without expectation.

11. Go on heaps of dates with Mother Nature. Absorb the fresh air, play with the green, and soak up the sunshine.

12. Hand in your work on time.

13. Enjoy the little things in life.

14. Live in a tidy space.

15. Relax. Life's too short to over think.



 





























16. Give more. Our days are happier when we give people a piece of our heart rather than a piece of our mind.





 




























17. Express gratitude. Gratitude promotes happiness. A roof over your top, a place to call home, parents who work so hard to afford your education and living expenses, clean water, shoes to wear... so many to be thankful for.

18. Be consistent with the things you do.

19. Take responsibility of the role you play in this world.

20.
Live. Just live. Because sometimes even to live is an act of courage.  
"When nobody else celebrates you, learn to celebrate yourself. When nobody compliments you, then compliment yourself. It's not up to other people to keep you encouraged, it's up to you. Encouragement should come from the inside. ~ J. Osteen."

 Let's make the most out of 2014!

Bittersweet.

We bid goodbye to 2013, and greet 2014 with fireworks (old tradition, though not of our household's), cheers and panda eyes (geddit? Ha ha). Believe it or not, today marks the end of 2013. Truth be told, I still find it extremely mind-boggling. Whether this year has brought you a new job, a new partner, a new house, a new car, a new friend, a new- okay, you get the idea, I sure hope that it has brought you streams of happiness, love and laughter. 



2013 has been such an eye-opening journey to me. I've finally had to step out of my Comfort Zone, learn to survive the long hours in college, the difficult and not to mention tedious syllabus of the subjects I've been studying, and cope with the crazy stress from exams throughout the year. 

If anything, I was forced to grow up this year. My parents cannot and will not forever be there to lift the burden off my shoulder, to clip wings on my back, or to brush tears off my cheeks. At times, I have got to learn to figure things out myself, deal with demanding people myself, wrestle challenging situations myself, and manage my tender emotions myself.

This year hasn't been extremely exciting, or happening as 2013- legitimately because I spent the first 6 months of the year being burdened by misery and battling serious emotional problems. 

A few changes were made, or perhaps I got tired of living the way I used to, towards the end of the year, I learned to let go a little. I learned to live without the glory of going on stage to receive my medals or prizes from the competitions I took part in. I learned to live without knowing at least half the people in my form (after five years, what ya expect?). I learned to live without having my best friends in college (it takes time, at least for me). I learned to live without knowing almost all the teachers where I study (yes, I used to in high school). I learned to live without having plenty of netball, cross country, and speech-delivering practices to attend. I learned to live without the school field I miss dearly. I learned to live without the basketball court in school where I would play basketball with my friends under the fiery hot sun during sports lessons. I learned to live without seeing the boy I used to secretly (not so secret anymore) admire for two years in the class. 

I learned to live without protection, convenience and exhilaration. I learned to live with uncertainty, confusion, oppression, and distrust. It was more of a lax (bad, I tell you), arduous but inconspicuous year for me.

I wouldn't go to the extend of recapping 2013, since really, the whole year has been nothing but an emotional roller coaster ride for me, and the only events worth mentioning were:

  • I've finally finished AS level (big deal once it's over, not so much when A2 awaits you)
  • Dropped out on yoga for almost 3 months (ugh disappointed in myself but I have my reasons, I promise)
  • Gotten dangerously addicted to comparison on social networking sites at one point however, thankfully, one day woke up and realised just how much harm it has been doing me and deduced that my mind and health are both in a better state when not fiercely attached to that gadget Steve Jobs created
  • Engaged myself in a relationship
  • Spent my holidays with Ken who came back from the UK for a summer break
  • Went on a vacation to Melbourne with the family in December (sadly had to exclude Ken).



I may sound bitter, but I'm actually happy. Not the on a cloud nine kind of ecstasy, but at peace.

At least, I know and believe I'm beginning to build stronger and firmer trust and faith with myself, connect with my inner soul, and treat my body with gentler care than before. Change is terrifying, it's madness, but I can take anything, as long as I never give up. And I'm starting to see results, fruits boring, with that I am content, blissful and grateful. To all the wonderful, amazing people who walked into my life, for staying with me throughout my hardships and for celebrating my every joy, you all have made 2013 a more fulfilling and fruitful year for me.

I am aware I will wake up tomorrow feeling physically the same, but what's different is that a brand new year awaits us- welcome 2014! In 2014, I have only one wish: To keep the promises I make to myself, and to others. If I were to promise myself full commitment and perseverance in study, that's the promise I'm going to deliver. If I were to promise myself to respect my parents, I'm going to make it a point to see that I fulfill it. If I were to promise others a second chance, I'd do it with a sincere heart. If I were to promise others to stop pushing them away, I'd slowly but steadily accept and embrace people's love and care with open arms.


















I would like to take this opportunity to thank each and everyone of you unique and amazing readers. Whether you are a passerby, a recent/ loyal reader, or a friend of mine, thank you for making my time spent in this little corner of the blog world worthwhile. I look forward to getting to know you better in the following year. I am honoured to have shared 2013 with you, and hope you continue to enjoy your stay as we embark on a new journey! 

Last but not least, I wish all of you who are reading this right now, a Happy New Year! May all your dreams and wishes be realised the coming year, and may health and happiness surround you always.

Monday, 16 December 2013

An Oscar-worthy movie.



One of the best movies I've watched in my 18 years. Based on a real story, Captain Phillips is a suspenseful and enthralling movie.


Tom Hanks who starred Captain Philips was amazing in the movie. He played the character brilliantly, you would feel he's going through every scene as though it's in real life. 



I was beyond glad I watched Captain Philips with my family. Thanks Sean for willingly watch it the second time with us. It made the outing more memorable than it already was.




Mum and I had a fantastic, significant talk this morning during our walk. 


I had so much to let off my chest. Mum listened to me pour my worries, and offered me solutions. Best listener and best friend indeed, mums. 



We ended the conversation with both of us feeling more hopeful and optimistic to take on the world.


我最亲的弟弟,我最疼的弟弟,我最引以为傲的弟弟,我最舍不得的弟弟,我最爱的弟弟。

Sunday, 15 December 2013

Unlike any other Saturdays.



This morning I woke up at 4 to take a shower. I let my hair dry so I stayed up till 5.30 till my eyelids threatened to shut. Then I proceeded to collapse on the bed. 


Before I know it, I was awake for a morning walk in the park with my family. The sun showed no mercy and shot its sweltering sun rays at us. Sean got cranky because he was hungry and claimed he lack sleep.



Oh well, it's a Sunday. I am counting my blessings and enjoying the day. Choose happiness! 




My family and I went to Paradigm mall today. We shopped, we dined, but the highlight of the outing was definitely Captain Philips the movie. We wanted to catch the 5 o' clock movie, but there were no seats available, so we settled on 7.45 p.m. instead. 


We tried to minimise boredom while killing time, so we hung around at Popular the book shop, shopped for swimwear and socks, then went to have dinner. 



All of a sudden 7.30p.m. came soon enough and off we went to the cinema.

Saturday, 14 December 2013

Exercise + food = happiness.



Back from badminton and cycling. I was on form today! 


Though Sean claimed he didn't give his best hence I got to defeat him this round. I suppose he did. 



But I don't bother minimising the glory so just clap for me, people. 



Currently feeling ecstatic from the adrenaline flowing through my body. Exercising with the family is always my favourite activity. Isn't it wonderful how one's mood can be brightened just by being physically active?


The mango in the picture goes to show how bored I get amidst preparing for the AS exam a few weeks ago. 

Speaking of exams, I sat for IELTS this morning. I must say the test was carried out more formally than expected, and that I forgot to bring along my sweater so I was in half-frozen form while answering the questions. 

In a nutshell (My friend Ji's fav way to recap essays), it went swimmingly and I'm beyond relieved it's over. Now to look forward to the Melbourne trip! 


We decided on Tappers, One City for dinner. Here's Sean's order! He's more than ready to dig in! Everyone, bon appetite!


Breaded chicken with a side of coleslaw and fries. 

Sean's second order(!!). What can I say. He's a growing teenager. And a ravenous athlete after a badminton match.


Mushroom panini. Dad's order. 

I grabbed a bite but skipped the bread. I'd rather a light spread of cheese than a thick slather of mayo or butter on my bread or sandwich. 

Overall tasted good, but it could use more fillings!


The spaghetti dish most of you are familiar with, the Aglio Olio spaghetti. Dad's order as well. 

I wasn't tempted to taste it because I almost always order this dish in the restaurants over the past few years and decided it's nice to steer away from the usual once in a while.









Thursday, 12 December 2013

Exercise-filled morning.



Went for a morning walk with the mum at 6.30, then I shook Sean up for Frisbee, and ended our morning exercise with a walk to the park to find daddy running. 

Great way to jump start the day, if you ask me.


Tuesday, 10 December 2013



Done sitting for LNAT. I didn't think I could read as many as 10 passages in a go. My eyes were desperately in need of a rest and threatening to shut when I was down to 10 questions before I completed all 42. 

As for the essay, I'm just really (by really, I mean reallllyyyy) glad I understood a question therefore was able to write it bcos god knows what the outcome may be if otherwise.

Monday, 9 December 2013

Revenge (and I don't mean in real life!)



Mum hasn't exactly been happy with me these few days. There's a reasonable explanation behind it, I promise. 

My parents have raised my brothers and I to live without the usage of computer, or the Internet. But lately, the hours of Sean and I facing the laptop have increased drastically, and I know it bothers her dreadfully. I meant to read more books instead, but I never actually got to it. 

Good news is, Papa agreed to bring us to the BBW book fair this Wednesday, and I can't wait for it!


AS finals has came to a halt almost two weeks ago, and although I had imagined myself celebrating by watching movies, exercising, hanging out with friends, hitting the mall, reading story books... 

But thanks to the resumption of college, I spent the last week rising early, starting on A2, desperately trying to recall what the lecturers have taught previously (only to find my head sunken in embarrassment) and continue stuffing my brain with knowledge, knowledge and more knowledge. 



Elated that I managed to get Sean hooked onto Revenge. Although the TV series is absolutely captivating so I'm afraid I can't be taking full credit for his recent obsession. 

We're now close to finishing Season 1 and making it to the next season, which I can hardly wait as I've watched the entire season previously but watching it again thankfully doesn't cut too much of the suspense.


The dress looks breathtaking on Emily Vancamp. Definitely my favourite outfit in the entire series.

Friday, 6 December 2013

December

Wow. December. How did we get here. Time flies, that one phrase to recap this year so far.
Setting foot into the last month of 2013 feels surreal. Just 11 months ago, I was enrolled into college, trying to grasp the idea of me being independent, feeling terribly intimidated every single day because unlike most of the pretty girls in my college, I don't wear makeup or dress up fancifully to classes. I may put on that cheery face when I talk to people but all I wanted to do was to keep my head as low as possible. My grades only see to me being in a blue funk. I paid attention during lessons, but much to my greatest dismay, I didn't always understand. And when I failed to understand, I decided to be a coward and run away from the problems. I was ashamed of myself, how everyone else could understand the moment the lecturer explained and I- I just...

I wanted to make friends, but was painfully afraid of what people may think about me- weird, stupid, ugly, fat, lame... I guess my smile masked my fear and downheartedness a bit- but deep down, I was mostly depressed, disconsolate and every single day has been a tearful, brutal battle with the of violent, negative thoughts threatening to tear me apart.

I think I was scared. So, so scared. I didn't know how I was going to cope with all the stress, tension, anxiety attacks- I think if my life in college had been the Hunger Games, I'd be the first one to be taken down by the other tributes and cause the canon to sound, because I've spent most of the time in college worrying, panicking, mentally putting myself down, which wouldn't help with the planning of strategies or at least keeping the faith to survive.

I am lucky to have made friendly, funny friends- friends who would mock me, tease me, laugh with me, but not necessarily friends who would share my sorrow or to ease my pain. I guess a major part is my fault though- I seem to push people away, people who care, people who are kind to me, people who offer their help. I keep to myself most of the time, and am awfully reluctant to open myself. I don't like to appear as a weakling, to admit imperfection (oh the irony, I am mad imperfect). I don't know what I have been trying to prove. That I don't succumb to vulnerability? That nothing could bother me? That even on my own, I can survive? I hadn't been living for a long, long time. I have been merely existing- which let me be honest, cannot be any more tormenting. I don't understand myself either.

My family has been patient, tolerant, helpful in every way possible. And I'm glad to say I've been mending things with my parents, particularly my dad, who I realise, has always been there for me- not all the time, but moments when I need him, he's there to hold, to catch me when I fall, to gently stroke my hair, to hold my hands and offer me his pleasant, handsome, comforting smile. And my brother, oh, has I mentioned how much he has grown? How his companion brings joy to my parents and I? But that's a post for another day.

I guess it's true, that you can only change your life if you take charge of it. That no one can actually help you, if you don't help yourself first. That sometimes life sucks, that the pain that you experience feels like a pack of wolves sinking their razor sharp teeth into your flesh, and you're left with nothing but bones and a wounded soul, that no one is really going to lend their hand because they couldn't care less about you because they've got things to be concerned of, that life is dreadfully unfair, that life goes on, and that you could be bitter about it and sulk your entire way through life, or stand back up, chin up, dress up, and give your best shot in everything you do, and never give up even when you fall a thousand times.

It's easier said than done, but I'm sick of living down in the dumps. I am willing to make peace with myself. I am willing to let go of the burden weighing me down, and I won't start any other day, but today. I will try, I will.

Monday, 2 September 2013

It's been a while.

The last time I updated my blog was a month ago.

A month ago, I was afraid and frenetic. Sean had returned to Singapore, and Ken had two months left to spend with us. And now, he's down to a month. I had to sit for my A levels trials examination, which play such a significant role in my application to the universities in the UK.

































These two are my absolute favourite boys.

It terrifies me each time it comes across my mind, because there are so many factors to be taken into consideration- and along with the thoughts that I was going to leave home, study abroad, expose myself to new cultures, experience different things... although many times I escaped from thinking about it, I cannot run away from the reality. It's my future. I have to be willing to put in the effort, invest the time, shower my dedication, pour my heart and soul into achieving what I have always dreamed of, and to obtain success in life.

A month later, I am now enjoying my one week post-trials holiday, the results are not out yet, but I could gauge from the somewhat minimal effort I've put in a certain subject. While I still think I deserve the rest and fun because I did study hard, I do believe there's a need to spend more time on expanding my talents and interests as well as making better use of my spare time. Instead of scrolling through the social networking sites mindlessly, I could consider to pick up a book and savour every bit of the story. Instead of watching the TV, I want to spend more time outdoors, being close to Mother Nature, and relish in the luscious greens and fresh air that the people living in the city are largely deprived of. Instead of non-purposeful chatting with my friends through the phone, I plan to meet up more with my friends, connect with them and just enjoy each others' company. Instead of staring at the laptop screen when my parents reach home from work, I will remind myself to step away from the laptop and give papa and mama a hug and flash them a smile. My parents work so hard every day to provide us with the best they can, and the least I could do is to look into their eyes when I greet them.

But you know how most people are, at least I am, and I have to admit: I don't always keep my promises. Some days I vow to revise my Math homework, only to find myself putting it off till the next week. Frequently I tell myself to attend yoga lessons (as much as I love yoga, there are days when I struggle with motivation), but when it comes to the time, I would slack and lay in bed.

So yes, since I like to make deals with myself openly because that encourages me not to go back on my words, I am making a few practical and reasonable promises with myself today:
 
1) Look up for the universities in the UK to confirm my top 5 choices by tonight (already had them drew out in mind, but still need to do more research)
2) Arrange the books and past year papers by Tuesday (my desk is in a state of madness)
3) Attend yoga lessons at least twice a week this month
4) Revise Math on Tuesday, 
5) Economics on Wednesday, 
6) Chemistry on Thursday, 
7) Biology on Friday,
8) Celebrate Ken's 20th birthday (woohoo, had to throw this one in to make myself less stressful looking at this list haha)

I will be back to let you know if I manage to deliver my promises- fingers cross that I will! I know they seem easy, but it's the holidays and I have been having a hard time resisting too much entertainment and being a slave to procrastination!

And others to do daily:

1) Spend more quality time with the family and loved ones 

 


































Taken in the airport months ago with Ken, Sean and Papa.

You may not be able to tell but my friend Eik Ren here is one of the most easy going and tolerant guy I've known.


2) Not take my parents' love and care for granted (to be specific I mean more respect, watch the tone I use when speaking with them, sometimes I get carried away and the words I express may not come off polite).

3) Make time for exercising (my right sole is aching and hurting rather badly but taking it easy doesn't mean not moving around, just ought to be more gentle and kind on my body).

 




































Swimming is one of my favourite hobbies. I love leisure swimming but nowadays I'm all about competing with the brother and daddy! They beat me nearly all the time, but I take pride in being quite the competitor in the first 50m lap. But seriously, it's just the fun that I look forward to- not to mention how we bring out the Michael Phelps in each other HAHAHAHAHA my family is weird like that- but I love the way we bond and interact! 






 



























The friends whom I enjoy playing badminton and hanging out with. They are crazy, wild, funny and can sometimes take you in as a boy by cracking mean jokes but as long as they're not personal, I'll roll with it. *laughs

4) Eat intuitively (glad to say I'm slowly but steadily improving on it)

































































Striking a balance between real meals and treats.

5) Spread positivity around me whenever I can because making others happy gives me an incredible, unfathomable satisfaction.


 




































6) Smile!



 






























To all of you reading this, I really hope you have a great day.

Friday, 2 August 2013

你不知道的事。

已经四年了,我想,表面上的我看似恢复,甚至更好,但内心深处,很是痛苦。

我爱分析事情,问题发生,我也许不懂怎么解决,但我总是能够分析一切,明白自己做种种事情的原因。

因为2010年发生的事情,随着时间的流逝,我心里的伤口看似痊愈,但却留下很深很深的疤痕,虽然事情过了这么久,但我依然觉得,是我自己把自己的生活搞砸,生命中最大最黑的污点,是自己给自己带来的。

也许从小在掌声中成长,有关怀我的父母,疼爱我的兄弟,照顾我的奶奶,一直让我觉得自己很幸福。当时,即使没有任何物质上的享受,没有宽大的屋子,舒服的汽车,漂亮的衣服,靓丽的打扮,没有被很多朋友包围,但我一直认为,那时的自己最快乐,最有自信,最开心不过了。

我最感激父母的,就是他们鼓励我参加了讲故事比赛。

因为演讲,让我找到属于自己的舞台。我爱演说,爱与身旁的人分享我的这份热诚。因为演讲,更巩固了我对“天下真的没有做不到的事,只有想不到的事。”这句话的信念。因为演讲,更拉近了我和家人的感情。小学的大部分时间,都花在练习演讲,参加演讲比赛。每个晚上,父母,哥哥和弟弟都会坐在沙发上看我练习演讲。一开始时,实在很不习惯好几双的眼睛盯着我看,但后来日子久了,我慢慢地享受那个过程。父母总是给予我好的评语,妈妈更是猛地称赞我,弟弟也会用佩服的口吻赞扬我。但哥哥他总是毫不犹豫挑出我的几个毛病,譬如:语音不准,语调不对,咬字错误。我很注意哥哥给我的意见,“演讲时要用心讲。”,“要有眼神交流。”,“语调的轻重缓和很重要。”,“咬字要清楚,要当观众不知道你的讲稿。”, “认真演讲,观众会感觉到的。”等等,我都记到现在。

写着写着,我眼泪不听使唤地涌出,沿着腮帮滚滚而下。

在我成长过程,演讲扮演者举足轻重的角色。它已经变成我生命中不可缺有的事。现在即使鲜少有机会演讲,但只要有机会,我都会拿起一本书,用着演讲时的口吻,滔滔不绝地念。小时候的梦想,就是当电视播报员。想象自己也能像电视机荧幕上的姐姐穿着端庄的衣服,梳着整齐的头发,对着电视机前面的观众播报,一直是我顶在头上的梦想,细心地保护它,绝不让别人把我小小的梦想踩在脚下。

说来还挺有趣的,如果你认识小时候的我,然后看看今天的我,绝对没有办法想象自己会演讲。这也难怪,小时候的我,是那么那么地内向,胆小,自卑,我害怕接触他人。我尽管依附在父母身边,说话轻声轻语,头低低的这样好多年了。在幼稚园,偶尔被男孩欺负,而我总是不敢吭一声,任他们摆布。妈妈不愿意看到自己的女儿那样,她认为女孩子尽管长大了有男人保护,但发自内心的信心和懂得保护自己的能力一定要有,那种信心和勇气,才能带我走完一生。

就这样,我小学一年级,就被他们逼着去参加讲故事比赛。犹记我是多么地抗拒演讲。我生妈妈的气,因为她很严厉地指示我要报名参加比赛。当时还小,我不明白妈妈的用意,一直觉得妈妈喜欢硬逼我做一些我不喜欢的事。而当时哥哥已经开始演讲了,所以我心里一方面也在想,爸妈为什么总是要我跟着哥哥的脚步。他喜欢演讲,是他的喜好,为什么偏偏要强迫我呢。

妈妈为了鼓励我参加,可说是绞尽脑汁,使劲方法。那时我看中了书店一个很可爱的红色文具套,便央求妈妈买给我。妈妈很爽快地答应,但条件有一个:我必须亲口告诉老师,我想参加讲故事比赛。我听了,心都沉了。‘不愿意’写在我脸上,然而,妈妈脸上严肃的表情和执著的语气让我知道,这件事,绝对没有商量的余地。

我真的很想拥有那一件文具套,但却实在鼓不起勇气告诉老师我想参赛。我尝试和妈妈‘谈论’,妈妈语气稍微软和,她抚摸我的头,说:“妈妈只是要你告诉老师罢了,选不选你不重要,最重要的是你必须踏出这一步,克服阻碍自己前进的绊脚石。”

她这么说,倒是让我萌起这么一个歪念头。我始终选择当缩头乌龟,但我对妈妈撒了谎。在比赛的前一天,我告诉她老师选了我参加比赛。她眼睛一亮,把我拥入怀抱,夸我很棒,然后送给了我那件文具套。我虽然心里有些不舒服,毕竟妈妈对我那么信任,我不该欺骗妈妈,但我以为瞒过了就算了。

怎知,妈妈竟然在比赛当天,到学校,打算为我捧场。她当然发现了我没参赛,回家时,我看见她铁青的脸,知道,真相被揭发了。她没有打骂我,直往房间走去。我跟着上楼,我看见了,活着七年的我第一次见到妈妈落泪。我心砰砰地猛跳,我知道自己错了,决定向妈妈道歉,但她一直小声哭泣,没有理我。我心里好像被刀割,跟着哭了。

爸爸擦拭我的眼泪,语重心长地对我说,“妈妈听你说你有机会参加比赛,是多么地替你开心,妈妈只是要你克服自己心里的那一关,她真的只是为你好。文具套妈妈很早就买了,她担心会被别人买了,她只要你告诉老师,不管有没有被选中,她都会送给你。你这样做,伤透妈妈的心。答应爸爸和妈妈,以后不要这样了。”

我点点头,不哭了,我告诉自己,不管怎样,要让妈妈开心,不做胆小鬼,我一定要参加比赛。

开始时,朋友都讥讽我,他们取笑我,有的说我不知量力,有的劝我放弃,因我班上区区的49个学生,就已经有4位同学,包括我,争取参加比赛,我知道竞争激烈。其他班的学生,都是被老师逼着去参加,唯独我们班,特别多学生欲参赛。念三年级的那一年,我们老师告诉我们,往年每班派出2位代表,但今年例外,我们班允许派出3位。我知道我的希望来了,我努力地练习,竞选参赛时,我因为紧张,忘词了,我毫无意外地落选了。那一刻,我脑海浮出的是妈妈失望的眼神,我强颜微笑,回到座位,我望着窗外,心里像汹涌的海浪,不停地翻卷。我是多么地难过,不是因为我没有机会参赛,而是我觉得,我辜负了妈妈对我的期望。想到哪里,我开始抽搐。

可能真的厌倦了被人瞧不起,我决定振作,还没念四年级,我就已经开始练稿了。我记得,演讲稿题目为“平常看待,欢喜接受。”这篇稿,是我哥哥的导师,孟润荣写的。我对这篇稿情有独钟,现在让我不看着演讲稿念,我想,我还是可以念出至少四分之一的讲稿。开头是这样的:“天塌下来当被盖。这句话,是正面的,是反面的,是积极的还是消极的,都因个人各人因素而异。”,其中还有几行话,“忍一时风平浪静,退一步海阔天空。”,“大家是否有想过,插秧时,农夫是向后,而不是向前呢?”,“平常看待,欢喜接受,不是消极放弃式的得过且过,而是积极,激进式的以退为进。”,“人,不要把自己定位得太高,也不要对自己无所要求。”

而当年,我凭着这张稿,被选作4A班的代表,在30多位参赛者当中,脱颖而出,获得冠军。我高兴极了,心头喷射出灿烂而快乐的火花。我的心像是枯干的小苗喝到了雨水,甜滋滋的。那一颗我觉得,我获得了全世界。家人都替我感到非常开心,紧紧地抱住我,我告诉自己“我做到了。”我胜利了,我更有信心参加往后的每一个比赛。我没有回头过,也没有退缩过。那一次的胜利,是我人生最难以忘怀的记忆。我终于证明自己的胜利,我的生命,由我自己决定。

真的可笑,原本要写这个部落格的时候,心情很低落,但没想到,写到演讲的一点一滴,我的心情奇妙地畅快许多。日子依然要过,那让我非常痛苦的故事,却也是我生命中不可磨灭的阴影,我想,下次再告诉你。

今天的你,分享我对演讲的这份真诚和热忱就够了,好吗?

Wednesday, 19 June 2013

I have some confessions to make.

I really am not at my happiest state.

I am struggling to find my healthy tipping point.

My emotions are constantly on a roller coaster ride.

My body is at its worse state (highest weight, not fit).

My stomach is bloated from all the crap I put into my mouth.

My clothes cannot fit anymore and I am ashamed to look at myself in the mirror.

My fitness has been subpar and I can no longer run because my knees are bearing too much weight.

Yoga has been particularly difficult because when it comes to bending and twisting poses I can no longer do so with ease and shrugging the embarrassment off with an awkward smile doesn't help.

I cannot lift my head up when I walk past my high school friends because I'm afraid of what they might say to me when they witness my current state.

I hate socialising and outings because I just don't feel me anymore.

Everything in life that used to appeal to me: shopping, exercising, dining out, hanging out with friends, taking pictures - I can no longer want to do all of it because I can't even look at myself in the mirror without feeling disgusted at myself.

I lost the confidence I once had.

I am terribly depressed and upset with life.

I keep telling myself that tomorrow is a brand new day to start everything all over again but somehow manages to find excuse for myself the next day.

I don't think about boys and relationships anymore because I know no one can love me because of how much I hate myself.

The only people who I can confide in is my mother, who, doesn't know what to do to help me anymore.

I want to step out of the house and seek help but I don't know how to.

My brothers tell me I need to stop laying around at house and go out there and mix with my friends - no matter how uneasy or uncomfortable that may make me feel.

I'm no longer obsessed about my body weight because, pooh, there's nothing to be obsessed over about.

I'm terrified when it comes to taking pictures because I can't recognise myself in the pictures anymore.

I'm so afraid of what my future will turn out to be.

I'm going crazy.

I sometimes stop and think: "What has became of me? The girl who was once so athletic, cheerful, outgoing, exuberant, confident and active... where has all of that characteristics gone?"

I don't know what to think anymore.

My happiness seemed to have took a ride and forgotten its way home.

I ... need a time out.

Friday, 17 May 2013

Thankful for Pinterest

when my brain decides to stop constructing my thoughts into words.

1. I know these wishes reflect a passive attitude, but most of the time once in a while these thoughts do pop up in my head.



























2. Back from college and comfort is all I seek.













3. Perhaps the reason why I've been feeling grumpy for the past 17 years of my life. Gotta start seeing things from a different angle :)
















4.



































Ryan Reynolds would make running those extra miles extra tempting but thanks to the glorious weather this morning, I managed to run a whooping 3.2 miles after almost a year of running hiatus. The awful news is, my right ankle swelled like a ping pong ball and this has never happened and I was in so much agony that I ended up limping home. I also tried icing it! Any ideas on what might help?


5. I used to crave sweet food all the time but these days, I've been feeling more savoury over sweet!

And trust me. I really like that.

























6. Something to keep in mind:




































7. I take credit for being a very punctual person. And if you could come up with such excuse, I promise I wouldn't scowl at you for being late.







































Friday, 26 April 2013

Friday again!

So... it's been two weeks plus huh?

Well, glad to surf back to this tiny corner in the blogging world.

The fact that college resumes obviously leaves me with exceptionally limited time to blog (oh, but, Jun, that didn't seem to affect your time watching drama series on Youtube ((busted!)), did it?), hence an appearance after quite some time.

Apart than occupying 2/3 of the day, college also links to... lunchboxes!

 

The usual combination is brown rice, cabbage/broccoli and egg/chicken. Last Wednesday, we ran out of brown rice and Mum went to the nearest grocery store to pick up basmati rice. I packed it to college the next day and I couldn't believe my taste bud completely rejected it! I left the whole portion of rice untouched. You know how people refuse to switch from white rice to brown rice because they couldn't get over the 'rough' texture and 'fibrous' content of the latter? Well, I totally beg to differ!

I guess after 8 years + of consuming brown rice as my main source of carbohydrate, there's no way I'd enjoy eating white rice - ever.

Habits sure die hard, but my colon must be very pleased knowing my love for brown rice will not fade for at least the next 30 years.

These are a few pictures I took in the washroom in college before heading to basketball practice.



Don't be fooled - I took at least 10 pictures and somehow only got these three posted when there really isn't much difference among the pictures taken (same angle, same pose, same background, same outfit... what gives?). Oh well, girls... you know ;)

Speaking of basketball practice, my inner thighs were burning as I completed training. So many drills and speed work, I was terribly sore at the end of practice but most certainly satisfied with my performance that practice. My free throws were on the spot, and I contributed to my team's victory during a match by scoring 4 out of 10 points. Not too shabby, if you ask me - given my somewhat long disappearance for regular practice (however I trained quite frequently at the court nearby my house).

I've also been soaking up the moments having breakfasts with my parents at the deck during weekends. Freshly out of oven rolls and warm soy milk are always welcome, coupled with fruits and my tummy is happy.

 

My mum is such an excellent cook that I'm never ashamed having my relatives or friends over for dinner. One night they came over to our house and couldn't stop raving about the dishes. Most of the time they were busy digging into the meal and wouldn't even lift their heads for a conversation.

 
I, on the other hand let my actions spoke louder than words by demolishing what had to be 1/2 the plate of stir-fry cashews, capsicums and chicken.



My relatives must be secretly mad at me. Don't worry, when it came to dessert, I generously offered my relatives the semi-homemade jellies and they quickly got over it.  

Then there's my badminton sessions with my friends during weekends too. I seem to NEVER regret meeting up with them, and those hours of badminton matches always work up a good sweat and painful muscles - the key factors to mirth, if you ask me :) (yes, a sore and aching body may not draw a smile on my face but my heart is actually soaring with joy, I promise)

 

PS I just noticed my usage of "if you ask me" hit twice in this post... I hope my lack of vocabulary and poor construction of phrases wouldn't turn you off.

And nooo.... I've gone without yoga for an entire week!!!!!!! Yes I will make it up. No not today. Or tomorrow. But yes on Monday.

Question: What are your plans this weekend?